In today’s tough economy, interviews are becoming more and more important. People that interview well get hired, and people that don’t disappoint their families. So let’s find out some sure fire tips to succeed in any interview.
1) Let your employer know that you think on your feet.
This means no sitting down for the duration of the conversation.
2) Dress professionally.
Know the dress code of the workplace you’re visiting, and dress two code levels higher. This means if you’re interviewing for a janitorial position, you wear a collared shirt. If you’re interviewing for a job at Best Buy, you wear a suit and tie. And if you’re interviewing for a position in corporate America, you need to be wearing a tuxedo.
3) Display private parts
If you’re a woman, this means you need to show your interviewer your breasts. This lets them know that you’re open and willing to learn. Women will feel connected to your intrinsic openness. Men will appreciate your womanhood, and never forget the size and shade of your nipples.
Men, no you don’t have breasts, but this technique will work for you too. Head into the interview with your penis out. Show them you’re secure, confident and adequately groomed. And don’t be surprised if your interviewer flashes their parts back at you. When you display such aggressive confidence, you become a leader, and leaders get good jobs with benefits that definitely do not end in a sexual harassment suit.
4) Show them how serious you are
Let your potential employer know that you will murder for the job. If necessary, demonstrate this principle on someone else in the office. Receptionists are typically easy to catch, and their decapitated heads look great in a follow up gift basket.
5) Get Technical
Marketing. Social media. Photoshop. Casket repair. The World Wide Web. A working knowledge of these essential tools will place you on the top of the ‘HIRE RIGHT NOW’ pile. Looking for a great way to prove you’re proficient with today’s technological innovations? Try this at your next interview…
Show up with a picture of the interviewer’s child or significant other, photoshopped into a graphic sexual pose. “What a prankster!” They’ll say. “This kid’s a photoshop wiz!” And “Hey Mark, your girlfriend’s breasts look just like a gif I recently masturbated to!” Bonus points if you work in a celebrity or animal.
Follow the five simple steps outlined above and you’ll make it to the top of your field in no time. Check back soon for tips on “Public Defecation in the Workplace,” “Using Death Threats to Advance Your Career” and “Leveraging Your Sexual Preference to Scare Your Boss Into Giving You a Raise.”
Chelsea and I grew tired of doing pretty much nothing with this website. It was collecting internet dust, which is the worst kind of dust, because anyone can access it and judge you for it. The dust we keep all over our house you at least need to be invited in to see.
In order to keep the dust from virtually settling once again, we are going to post here every week forever until we stop. If I had to guess, I'd say we will keep posting for about 3 months. Then we will remove this blog and pretend it never happened. Like what the city of Cleveland is trying to do with the memory of LeBron James.
We will try to keep these posts focused on the following three things: 1) Screenwriting 2) Comedy Writing 3) Personal Secrets. Sometimes these three things will intersect, like in this sentence: "I wrote an autobiographical screenplay about how I have been seeking help for my problem with divulging personal secrets on the internet." On the other hand, some posts will only address one list item. The following hypothetical future excerpt only addresses personal secrets, for instance: "In first grade, Chelsea peed in her pants while she was waiting for the teacher to give her permission to go to the bathroom."
I didn't say the secrets were going to be personal for me.